En la vulva


Liliana

por Fran-cisco Pérez B.

Los recuerdos que no pudimos tener.
No hay nada más difícil de olvidar.
Enrique Lihn



Me levanté sin muchas ganas, la noche había sido larga, esas noches donde el insomnio es esa palabra escrita con letras grandes detrás de la cabeza, con los ojos cerrados, una vuelta y dos y tres y aún mas, Liliana me había dicho tantas cosas. La última vez la vi aparecer con su vestido rojo por la esquina de Matamoros con Cardenal Lemoine, pasó como si no me conociera, como si tuviera que llegar muy rápido a algún lugar. Me dolían las piernas y la cabeza, recién había leído un largo ensayo sobre la presencia de la carne en la poesía de no sé qué autor español, no era muy bueno y preferí olvidarlo, aparte siempre leí cosas así solo para impresionar, y quedó desecho tan rápido, no así la sensación de piel que me quedó con un gustito raro bajo la lengua, piel seca y escamosa, piel de una mujer que había muerto con el corazón hinchado y después la piel de otra, con los ojos secos, chorreando tristeza post-moderna. Liliana era su nombre, Liliana Crocciati, la conocí un día de Julio, sin querer, exacta y sin experiencia, así simplemente sin querer, igual que casi todas las cosas.

Ella es algo donde uno se puede caer y luego levantar, y luego volver a caer y luego volver a mirar el cielo que se abre de pronto, como si nunca se hubiera cerrado, como si la playa no tuviera nombres, ningún te amo escrito cerca de la espuma. Junto a ella, todos los momentos no eran más que momentos, y los vestidos nada más que grandes banderas rojas donde jugar a la conquista y la derrota, en ese tiempo ella no sabía cómo fumar, ni yo sabía cómo hablarle a una mujer, creo que no supimos reconocernos, pero ese sería un discurso innecesario, una flor que se rompe a la orilla de una ventana.


17 años, 17 besos o 17 despedidas, casi no recuerdo, lo cierto era que no dormí bien luego de mirar sus pies, apenas descalzos sobre mi piso, los mismos que se fueron escribiendo poemas en mis manos bajo un cajoncito café lavanda. Tarde en tarde, ella venía ondulando su vestido, como si viniera reclamando su parte en el mundo, todos somos la sobra de otros, me decía, no somos ninguna excepción, y así de golpe me bajaba de la tierra hasta el infierno. De repente ya no estaba, y luego volvía a encontrarla bajo un edificio blanco, o sentada al borde de un acantilado, inexistente en mi memoria, blandamente lejana.

La muerte no es un extranjero perdido, ni una mañana pesada con olor a café y sexo. Liliana era su nombre, apareció un día después del desayuno, y se fue demasiado pronto, después de la fiebre, de mis más sinceros delirios, esa noche había dormido tan mal, Liliana, de donde sacar tantas fotografías muertas, de donde las cenizas y las hojas caídas como si fuera otoño, el otoño que no era.

Buenos Aires entonces era otro mundo, bastaba con haberse dormido en un avión y haber despertado con la cara iluminada de otro sol, de otro aire. Es extraño pensar como tu cara se veía distinta con la luz de esa ciudad, como tus zapatos no sonaban de la misma manera sobre el asfalto, el sueño era una pizza napolitana, y todo estaba bien exactamente así, casi sin tangos ni tristezas.

Sabú lloraba, Sabú movía la cola, te acordarás de Sabú, tu silbabas tanto, los libros, me decías, no son buenos lugares para silbar, y yo te miraba, te veía jugando a las sábanas despeinadas, te perdía y nos perdíamos en ciertos lugares innombrables, del cuerpo, del alma, recuerdo tu filosofía casi cristiana de los hechos, desde comprar el pan, hasta dormir boca abajo, y tu no me sentías, yo creí que te movías así por mí.

Liliana era su nombre, Sabú era otro nombre más dentro de todo, todo, todo, repetías esa palabra y todo era nada, nada, nada, te decía yo, primero existo, luego nada existe, y primero había sido una calle larga, y después ya no estabas, una callecita con nombre de jardín antiguo, abadie, te ibas llendo de a poco, te ibas, y yo no me iba, te retenía, podía sentir como cojeaban tus senos bajo mis manos, otra vez el temblor, la falta de cabeza por Corrientes, los autos que iban y venían con sus ritmos imposibles.

Era un invierno con mucha lluvia, ya no tenías casa y te mudaste conmigo. Yo aunque bordeaba los 22 años, tenía techo, comida y luz, una suerte de herencia me había llevado a Buenos Aires y me había permitido establecerme en un pequeño departamento por el lado de Recoleta, para mi estaba bien, tenía planes de estudiar y había conseguido un trabajo en una tienda de flores cerca del cementerio. Te gustaba tanto ir a verme por las tardes cuando decidías que ya habías llorado lo suficiente, siempre te elegí las mejores flores, y me tomabas la mano y nos sentábamos en cualquier banquita, nunca fue mejor una conversación entre tumbas y sarcófagos abiertos, había algo de misterioso en tu gusto por las estatuas y los besos cerca de algún sepulcro insignificante, quisiera quedarme acá, me decías, y luego llorabas otra vez, porque los muertos callaban, porque podían tener frio, porque el mutismo era incontrolable. Liliana, Liliana, pero ya no recuerdo en que epitafio te leí, en que esquina estaba tu ramo de rosas blancas, hacía donde había huido Sabú, llevándose todo lo que de ti me quedaba, un perro y un nombre.


Y de repente me decía, todo se acabó, todo se acabó, las sombras, los sonámbulos inocentes que partían la noche en dos, los gatitos en el cementerio. Había una especie de fuga en todo lo que hacías, un dolor dulce que te hacía caminar desprevenida por las avenidas llenas de recuerdos que ansiabas tener, pero que nunca, nunca te abrieron la puerta.


He tenido tiempo de evitar los burdeles, los vestidos rojos y los llantos de Sabú desde el fondo de un parque oscuro, ya se hizo de día, hay que olvidar, quizá encuentre a una mujer que me espera en un banquito de Recoleta, una mujer que se llame Liliana, que venda flores en un almacén, una italiana misteriosa, y esta mañana, no sea otra mañana en vano con el café en la mano, mirando por la ventana, imaginando que he vivido.


Buenos Aires, Octubre 1963

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    ICC Mortgage And financial Services,Is a sincere and certified private Loan company approved by the Government,we give out international and local loans to all countries in the world,Amount given out $2,500 to $100,000,000 Dollars, Euro and Pounds.We offer loans with a dependable guarantee to all of our clients. Our loan interest rates are very low and affordable with a negotiable duration.
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    Apply for a loan today with your loan amount and duration, Its Easy and fast to get. 4% interest rates and monthly
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    {nicholasbrush.icc@gmail.com}

    Regards,
    Nicholas Brush
     

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